Talking to Children about Difficult Topics

As parents and educators we naturally feel a strong urge to protect our children and students, protect them form difficult things.  But as life would have it; difficult and tragic things happen.  A loved one dies or a child views something violent and scary on the news; and we are left feeling nervous about how to proceed.  Here are some tips and resources I have gathered on this important process.

I think one of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is to show them how we cope in times of distress.  Showing our children that 'it's okay to not be okay'.  It's okay to be honest about our own feelings.  We may not always know all the answers or be able to solve every problem right away.  But there are small and manageable things we can do to handle these feelings.  I'm often amazed at how well most kids can handle difficult news.  Kids will follow our lead, if we can set the tone in an honest genuine way that we can get through this, they will take comfort in this.  

If you are not sure where to start, it can often be helpful to lead these conversations with questions.  Try to find out what they know and answer questions in an honest and concrete way.  Try not to be scared about the truth; sometimes the imaginary situation they picture in their head can be worst than the truth.  When adults are not truthful, it can send the message 'this is too big and scary for you you handle', instead of sending the message we can handle this no matter what.  

Here are some helpful responses to have in your back pocket for these conversations:

"This is really hard right now, but I also know that we can deal with this and get through it together"

"It's totally normal to feel worried, sad or angry right now.  Let's see how we can take good care of these feelings".

"I am here for you no matter what" 

"I am feeling _________ too and this is what helps me when I feel this way ________."

"No matter what, we can be kind and forgiving to each other".

"I don't know" or "As soon as I find out more information I will share it with you"

Be sure to end these conversations with signs of reassurance.  Whether you are assuring them you can handle this together or that there are resources, helpers and safety measures available.

*If your child does not handle the situation well and things become escalated or stress continues to be overwhelming please reach out and seek professional help.*

Resources:

https://www.apa.org/topics/journalism-facts/talking-children

https://www.goodinside.com/podcast/5476/when-talking-to-kids-about-hard-things-choose-truth-over-comfort/

https://wholeheartedschoolcounseling.com/product/supporting-children-in-uncertain-times-free-sel-poster/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/two-takes-on-depression/201612/the-dos-and-donts-of-talking-with-a-child-about-death

5 things to remember when working with a challenging student

The National Center for Youth Issues 

I recently came across a 'new to me' resource, the website for the National Center for Youth Issues.  I am not quite sure what took me so long to discover this site but am so glad I did!  There are so many great books and blog posts with a variety of topics.  This is also a good social media follow.  

I hope you all enjoy!

8 signs of Anxiety that show up as something else (Go Zen Article)

8 Signs of Anxiety in Children That Show Up as Something Else 

In this wonderful article put out by GoZen, we can see that Anxiety can be so multifaceted for our kids.  The visual analogy of an iceberg is so poignant to help us realize there is such much more going on under the surface.  Sometimes people see anxiety a certain way, perhaps as exhibited through tears or shyness, or seeking a lot of reassurance.  However, the more we learn about anxiety the more we are learning that this can show up in many unexpected ways.  Anxiety can look so different from child to child.  Many anxious  kids seek out to take control and this may manifest through avoidance or defiance.   While other anxious kids may try to over-plan their little world to gain more control.  Anxiety can also manifest as inattentiveness, when they're consumed with anxious thoughts it's hard for them to focus on what is in front of them.  There may also be difficulty sleeping, anger and negativity.  

'Anxiety occurs when there is an overestimation of a perceived threat (e.g., a test or a party) and an underestimation of coping skills (e.g.,”I can’t handle this.”). '

When kids underestimate their abilities to cope with a certain situation they may feel helpless which can lead to frustration/anger.  This may also be connected to what Brene Brown calls 'chandeliering', or when a seemingly calm child 'flies off the handle'.  An anxious child can look nice and calm to the outside observer but their wheels are churning on the inside.  I like to picture a duck on a pond, they look nice and calm from the top of the pond but underneath their feet are swimming rapidly.  I found this article so helpful and I hope you will too.  Please utilize the GoZen website as a great resource if you find yourself with an anxious child.  https://gozen.com/

'Flip Your Lid'- Explaining how your brain and emotions work to kids

 'Flip Your Lid' 

Using a hand model to help explain how emotions work in our brain.

In a recent professional meeting, I was encouraged to learn more about the 'flip your lid' hand model to incorporate into some of my counseling sessions with kids.  Dr. Dan Siegel who is a well known contributor to the field of child psychology coined the 'flip your lid' hand model to help explain how the brain works in a more accessible way.  Shown above is a child friendly resource inspired by Dr. Dan Siegel called Mineola Grows!  Mineola grows has several kid friendly videos helping to explain how our emotions work and the power of the amygdala and prefrontal cortex.  I have used this with a few kids in sessions and I think it really can help to empower kids and aide in their regulation.

Test Anxiety Strategies

 Test Anxiety Strategies

Here at Wheelock Elementary School, our third graders will be taking the MCAS testing next week.  

I thought I'd share some great strategies for any of our students who may get nervous.

Here are some helpful tips and hints:

1. Get a good night sleep

2. Eat a good breakfast

3. Create a personalized positive mantra for your child

- "I've got this!"

- "I am smart and I am prepared"

- "Everyone makes mistakes"

- "It's okay to take my best guess"

4. Help children to re-frame their nervous feelings:

If your child feels jittery or a bit sweaty, you can help re-frame this by telling them it's their bodies way of getting them excited for the challenge ahead.  Like an athlete getting nervous before a big game.

5. Make sure to myth bust: 

- Taking the MCAS has nothing to do with whether kids go to fourth grade or not

(some kids have this misconception for whatever reason)

- Also, remind kids that they can have all day if they need to, the MCAS are indeed untimed

6. Focus on the positives, most teachers do not give homework the week of MCAS

and there's usually extra recess.  

Also a little extra treat at home after their hard work never hurt anyone :)

Further resources/articles that inspired these strategies:

https://gozen.com/affirmations-to-bust-test-anxiety-rooted-in-science/

https://www.pbs.org/parents/thrive/six-ways-to-help-kids-tackle-test-anxiety

"I statements" and "I messages"

 "I statements" and "I messages"

Today I visited a third grade classroom to help students better advocate for themselves with social problems by teaching them about "I statements". 

"I statements" are one of the best conflict resolution strategies and widely used in almost any therapy setting.  I use the "I statement" strategy a lot in my small group counseling sessions and I was thrilled to be able to share this skill with a whole class.  The "I statements" are such a successful strategy because it's a way of communicating feelings effectively without causing the other individual to become defensive.  When people use "You statements" to get their point across, i.e. "You made me mad when you left me out"; the other person will often become defensive because they might feel blamed.  Therefore, the other person won't be able to listen as empathically when their defenses are up.  When a student says something like; "I felt upset when I was left out of the game", kids are better able to understand the other person's feelings without feeling blamed.  We also practiced using "I statements" by breaking into groups and role playing some problem solving scenarios.  The kids did a great job with this activity and I hope it helps them the next time they come across a social problem!

Book Spotlight 'Uniquely Wired' by Julia Cook

 

Today I had the pleasure of visiting a second grade classroom to read them a story titled 'Uniquely Wired', a beautifully written story about a young boy with Autism Spectrum Disorder.  Julia Cook is the author of this wonderful book and she has written a large variety of books to support social/emotional growth in children.  'Uniquely Wired' helps both children and adults better understand Autism.  The story is told from the perspective of a young boy Zak who explains how he responds to the world differently.  These differences are viewed as gifts that Zak gives others around him.  I truly believe knowledge is power and this class not only gained a better understanding of Autism Spectrum Disorder, they demonstrated even more acceptance and tolerance towards our students who may be viewed as different. 

Resources to support events from January 6th 2021

Yesterday's events from the violent outbreak and breach of the US Capitol has us all feeling very distraught and unsettled.  Here are some resources with tips on how to handle and support our children after such an unfortunate event.  We have a responsibility to ensure our children feel safe and supported.  I hope that we can all have meaningful conversations with our kids and with each other about the importance of being tolerant, respectful and accepting of others.  I believe we can empower our youth to be the change we wish to see in the world.  

Tips for parents from NASP

Tips for Educators from NASP

Here is another great resource Dr. Marsden has shared with us:

Responding to violence at the Capitol

Talking to your kids about coming back to school

 Welcome and welcome back to some families as we begin the 2020-2021 school year at Wheelock.  I am very excited to see the students again.  However, I am sure many families have a 'mixed bag' of emotions.  Teachers and staff are working so hard to ensure a safe and welcoming return to school.  Myself and Mrs. Bockhorst (our part time counselor) have put together some talking points we thought would be helpful for families.  

1.  What to do if your child is feeling worried:

1. Normalize - It is common to feel worried before we do something new, for both kids and adults

2.  Remind of prior successes - help your child think of a time they did something they overcame their nerves

3. Practice relaxation strategies 

1. - Deep breaths - Roller Coaster Breathing 

2. - Positive mantra - “I can do hard things.”

   
   

2. How to help your child adapt to wearing masks

1. Explain: Wearing a mask helps protect ourselves and other people

2. Take a picture of you and your student wearing the mask

3. Practice: 

1. start small and build up from there 

2. take small trips to libraries or stores so that kids can begin to practice mask wearing

3. Wear the mask during a preferred activity like ipad time

4. Play pretend with the mask, try putting a mask on your stuffed animal

5. Have fun picking a mask, let your child get to chose

6.  Practice what your child can say if another student takes off their mask - “Oops, don’t forget your mask.”

 

3. Explain how staying 6 feet apart keeps you safe

1. - Help your child recognize how far 6 feet is 

1. Measure it out together

2. Draw it with chalk

3. Airplane Arms

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4. Help your child rehearse what to say if someone is too close “Please remember six feet apart!” “Whoops, we have to remember our space”

Saying Hello/Greeting Friends - Prepare your child that they can greet their friends with all sorts of friendly “hellos” from a distance

Resources to help talk to kids about racism

I am writing this important blog post to provide resources/support to help you as parents and to help our children throughout this continued difficult time.  The horrific death of George Floyd along with the long standing issue of race in our country, is I'm sure on the forefront of many people's minds right now.  Not only as an elementary school psychologist, but as a mom of a four year old asking questions, I want to help provide some developmentally friendly resources so that we can do our part in making the world a better place.  

1. Here is a great social story that Mrs. Ryan (one of our district BCBAs) shared with me, this social story helps to explain things with kid friendly language and pictures

2. The Medfield Superintendent Dr. Marsden shared this article with several great pointers about talking to kids about race and racism

3. This website provides a list of 37 books that address race and discrimination

4. This website provides a list of helpful books according to age range for those of you who have kids spanning various ages.

5. Lastly, CNN is pairing up with Sesame Street to conduct a 'town hall' Saturday morning 6/6.  I know our kids at Wheelock are older than Sesame Street's target audience but reading the description of the event it seems like it would be a worthwhile resource.  They're having a panel of experts help to answer questions submitted by kids/families.  

I hope you all find these resources helpful, thank you for your time.

Talking to Children about Covid-19

In an effort to help support the any anxiety about the ongoing concern of the Corona virus or Covid-19, I am going to share two very helpful resources.  The first is an article from the National Association of School Psychologists (NASP) with good talking points.

https://www.nasponline.org/resources-and-publications/resources-and-podcasts/school-climate-safety-and-crisis/health-crisis-resources/talking-to-children-about-covid-19-(coronavirus)-a-parent-resource

This next resource is set up in a comic format and may or may not be appropriate to share with your kids, based on your judgement. 

https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2020/02/28/809580453/just-for-kids-a-comic-exploring-the-new-coronavirus

I hope you find these resources helpful. 

Supporting Your Child with a Disability

Supporting the Emotional Needs of Kids with Disabilities

By Child Mind Institute 

I recently came across this article (linked above) which highlights some great ways to support your child if they have a disability.  I often hear about concerns with kids who may have low self esteem because of their disabilities.  I think this is such an important topic and a great opportunity for open and ongoing discussion.  I have blogged and shared resources about this topic before (see earlier posts), but I think this article highlights some key points as well.  I especially like how the Child Mind Institute highlights how a student's disability (often times) has nothing to do with their intelligence level.  Most students with a learning disability whether it's reading based or ADHD are of at least Average intelligence levels.  I think this is an important factor to point out to kids.  

Words Matter

I recently came across this great info-graphic and just had to share it.  Sometimes simple changes like the suggestions listed below can make such a big difference.  I felt really inspired by these easy updates and hope you do too!  I especially like utilizing the phrase 'could you use a break?', helping to promote better self monitoring and decision making. 

Photo credit: weareteachers.com 

Talking to your children about their differences

Hello Wheelock families, welcome back to to start of another great school year!  I feel very inspired to start my 2019-2020 school blog with such an important topic.  So often, I hear from parents about kids coming home and feeling down on themselves because of a difference or challenge they face.  Maybe these kids receive extra help with their speech, reading, math or social/emotional weaknesses and they are starting to feel self conscious about it.  Although kids may not see it yet, there are so many students in each classroom that receive extra support for a variety of reasons.  Regardless, I believe this is a great teachable moment.  There are a lot of great resources about this topic and here are some of the key points I want to share.

1. Start by talking about how everyone has strengths and weaknesses
- there is no one person who is good at everything
- talk to your child about what you are good at and what is not easy for you
- help to point out specific examples for yourself and your child

2. Empower and encourage
- help them build a positive attitude about their difference(s)
- acknowledging their areas of difficulty will help fuel their self advocacy
- helping them to understand what strategies work for their areas of difficulty
For example:
"We know that you have trouble focusing and listening, so remember to ask the teacher to sit in the front or ask for a quick brain break"
- sometimes practicing (role playing) what to say if other kids ask them questions about their differences can help them feel prepared
For example: "Hey why do you wear glasses now?", "I have these new glasses because I used to see double when I looked at the board, boy what a relief!"

3. Partnering with schools/teachers to communicate and collaborate about supporting your child will be key
- Be sure to reach out to your child's teacher and/or specialist to keep the communication open

4. Other tips for talking to your kids about this topic:
- "Your challenges do not define you"
- "I know it can be uncomfortable to talk about this, I am here to listen"
- It's important to keep this conversation going, especially as kids get older and interpret things different at different developmental points
- Praise progress and effort (not just end results)
- Provide honest and specific compliments over frequent general praise (i.e. I like how hard you tried to figure out that math problem vs. good job)
- watching videos of other kids or researching famous people who also have learning differences or other disabilities can better put things in perspective for kids

It's very common for kids with any type of learning or social/emotional difficulty to display some self esteem concerns.  Helping to empower our kids to acknowledge their area of difficulties will help to eventually make them feel more liberated.  They will soon learn about friends and classmates that also have differences/weaknesses. 

I hope this information has been helpful, like I said there are so many great resources on this topic but here are a few I thought were particularly good:

https://www.imdetermined.org/

https://childmind.org/article/how-to-help-kids-talk-about-learning-disabilities/

https://www.understood.org/en/learning-attention-issues/understanding-childs-challenges/talking-with-your-child/how-to-talk-to-your-child-about-learning-and-attention-issues

New Article about Childhood Anxiety

Hi Everyone, happy almost april vacation :)  I found this article and thought it was really important to share.  I have come across this article through a variety of different well known psychology resources.  I am glad to see this research getting coverage.  In this article, the Yale Child Study Center found great results in helping to reduce childhood anxiety by coaching parents.  The article is titled New childhood anxiety treatment focuses on the parent.  In this article you will find some nice language about what to say to children, but please feel free to check out the resources section of my website for some good books and resources. 

Thanks for visiting!

Stopping Negative Thoughts and Calming Apps

Hello families of Wheelock, I don't know if you were lucky enough to get the opportunity to see Jessica Minahan yesterday (author of the Behavior Code), hopefully you were, but if you were not as lucky I am going to share some helpful information here today.  I have been looking forward to this professional development day all year.  I was fortunate enough to see her a year and a half ago and I just knew this would be a presentation everyone could appreciate!  I wrote a previous blog post on some of my favorite tips from that day (Rethinking Strategies for Anxiety and Opposition).  She shared a lot of these strategies yesterday but I wanted to focus this blog post on helping kids to stop the negative thoughts. 

We all know a lot about growth mindset, changing our thinking from "I can't" to "I just haven't done it YET".  This type of coaching to re-frame their thinking is invaluable but Jessica also focused a lot on stopping the negative thoughts by intervening early on.  Often times, we may leave kids to do independent tasks or homework for several minutes.  Within this time frame of just minutes, our anxious kids can have a flood of negative thoughts.  "I can't do this"  "I'm so bad at math" "This is going to take all night".  Anxiety can cause all kinds of incorrect or catastrophic thoughts.  Jessica's advice is to help kids get started, set them up for success and then let them do things independently. 

Another great tip Jessica encouraged us all to think about is what types of breaks we are giving our anxious kids.  Often times we go for a walk or let kids color for a few minutes.  Not to say these aren't great strategies for some kids, but it may not work for others, since negative thoughts can still occur during a walk or while coloring.  Jessica encouraged us to think about 'cognitive' breaks, or a way to distract our mind in a positive way so that we can stop the obtrusive thoughts.  For example, games like 'soduku' or cross words puzzles can help get our mind off negative thoughts.  Or even singing a favorite song and reciting lines from their favorite movie.  Jessica was also so kind to provide some great App to help as calming breaks or cognitive breaks.  I have tried the 'Calm' app myself and loved it!  Here is a list:

- Calm
- Headspace
- Moodnotes ($)
- Moodpath
- Pacifica
- Pixel Thoughts
- Happify
- Talkspace
- SugarBetter
- 7 cups

Hello and Helpful segment for back to school anxiety

Hello new and old friends to Wheelock Elementary School! My name is Jenna Johnson and I am the full time School Psychologist here at Wheelock.  I can hardly believe it but I am entering my sixth year in Medfield and I absolutely love my job.  I look forward to seeing my third grade friends again and meeting new second grade friends.  Welcome to my blog, I try to post helpful and relevant resources from time to time.  If you ever want to reach out to me for more specific questions or concerns please email me at jennajohnson@email.medfield.net.

As the new school year is vastly approaching, there may be great feelings of excitement for what a new school year can bring, but I know there are plenty of kids and parents who may be a bit anxious.  Therefore, I just wanted to share a great audio segment I found from the National Association of School Psychologist (NASP) website.  I always find such great resources from NASP and this one is dedicated to supporting kids of all ages who may have some back to school anxiety.  The staff at Wheelock work so hard to help support the transition back into school and we look forward to the 2018-2019 school year!

Audio segment found here:

Helping Kids and Parents Cope with Back to School Anxiety 

Talking to Children about Violence: Tips from NASP

'Rethinking Strategies for Anxiety and Opposition'

A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of attending a conference called 'Rethinking Strategies for Anxiety and Opposition' given by Jessica Minahan, who wrote The Behavior Code.  This was one of the most beneficial conferences I have ever attended. It was a great feeling to walk out of the door with so many applicable ideas.  I picked a few of my favorite strategies/ideas to share at a staff meeting recently and I am writing today to share them with all of you. 

Jessica Minahan focused on three main areas: transitions, behaviors triggered by writing and interaction strategies.  Some of these could be easily adapted for home as well. 

1. Transition ‘Sponge’- a quick one two minute activity when going from preferred to non-preferred (after recess). The idea is to help get kids in their seat/work area, ready to learn with a less preferred activity/tool in the middle. The idea of going from preferred-less preferred-non-preferred. At home, this might look like: playing outside-cross word puzzle at work area-homework. Some transition sponges include:

1. Brainpop video
2. crossword puzzle
3. Mindfulness minute
4. Go noodle

2. Take a picture of what's expected. For teachers it might be projecting a picture of the next set up. At home, this might look like taking a picture of what you expect a clean room to look like. Kids are encouraged to 'match the picture'.

3. Ideas for Stopping/Ending tasks

• Often our tricky kids struggle to stop/end activities, so not only using a time timer but teaching them what is a ‘stopping plan’
• After giving a give minute warning, asking them ‘what is your favorite minute stopping plan?’
• Or telling them what a good stopping plan is- five more minutes is… two more pages of the book, ten more points in a game, etc.
• Give them a pausing point (with visual)

4. Interaction Strategies

• Instead of ‘Stop Tapping your pencil’ or ‘Sit up Straight” ---->Say ‘Can you check yourself’- promoting self assessment

• Help children to re-frame ‘All or Nothing” thoughts to a smaller more manageable problem

Ex. “I can’t” ---> “Do you just want to check in to make sure you are doing it right?”

5. Self Assessment with Writing (or homework)

Self Monitoring- use 1-5 scale have kids write in the top corner before starting how hard they think it’s going to be. Then later on in the day or next day rate how hard it actually was.

 Before                                                                            After

5	3
4	2
5	2

Exciting Honor

I just received some exciting news that my little Wheelock School Psychology blog was awarded one of the Top Ten School Psychology blogs according to the website feedspot.   I am quite tickled and surprised to be included with such helpful websites that I often find myself visiting.  The link to the article is listed below.  There are so many other great websites included on the list! 

**One of my favorites: School Psyched.

https://blog.feedspot.com/school_psychologist_blogs/

I will certainly use this honor to continue my goal of helping students, families and staff alike!  If anyone has any requests of topics they would like to see a post about please feel free to email me!  Thanks for taking the time to visit my little blog :)