Talking to Children about Difficult Topics

As parents and educators we naturally feel a strong urge to protect our children and students, protect them form difficult things.  But as life would have it; difficult and tragic things happen.  A loved one dies or a child views something violent and scary on the news; and we are left feeling nervous about how to proceed.  Here are some tips and resources I have gathered on this important process.

I think one of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is to show them how we cope in times of distress.  Showing our children that 'it's okay to not be okay'.  It's okay to be honest about our own feelings.  We may not always know all the answers or be able to solve every problem right away.  But there are small and manageable things we can do to handle these feelings.  I'm often amazed at how well most kids can handle difficult news.  Kids will follow our lead, if we can set the tone in an honest genuine way that we can get through this, they will take comfort in this.  

If you are not sure where to start, it can often be helpful to lead these conversations with questions.  Try to find out what they know and answer questions in an honest and concrete way.  Try not to be scared about the truth; sometimes the imaginary situation they picture in their head can be worst than the truth.  When adults are not truthful, it can send the message 'this is too big and scary for you you handle', instead of sending the message we can handle this no matter what.  

Here are some helpful responses to have in your back pocket for these conversations:

"This is really hard right now, but I also know that we can deal with this and get through it together"

"It's totally normal to feel worried, sad or angry right now.  Let's see how we can take good care of these feelings".

"I am here for you no matter what" 

"I am feeling _________ too and this is what helps me when I feel this way ________."

"No matter what, we can be kind and forgiving to each other".

"I don't know" or "As soon as I find out more information I will share it with you"

Be sure to end these conversations with signs of reassurance.  Whether you are assuring them you can handle this together or that there are resources, helpers and safety measures available.

*If your child does not handle the situation well and things become escalated or stress continues to be overwhelming please reach out and seek professional help.*

Resources:

https://www.apa.org/topics/journalism-facts/talking-children

https://www.goodinside.com/podcast/5476/when-talking-to-kids-about-hard-things-choose-truth-over-comfort/

https://wholeheartedschoolcounseling.com/product/supporting-children-in-uncertain-times-free-sel-poster/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/two-takes-on-depression/201612/the-dos-and-donts-of-talking-with-a-child-about-death

5 things to remember when working with a challenging student

The National Center for Youth Issues 

I recently came across a 'new to me' resource, the website for the National Center for Youth Issues.  I am not quite sure what took me so long to discover this site but am so glad I did!  There are so many great books and blog posts with a variety of topics.  This is also a good social media follow.  

I hope you all enjoy!

8 signs of Anxiety that show up as something else (Go Zen Article)

8 Signs of Anxiety in Children That Show Up as Something Else 

In this wonderful article put out by GoZen, we can see that Anxiety can be so multifaceted for our kids.  The visual analogy of an iceberg is so poignant to help us realize there is such much more going on under the surface.  Sometimes people see anxiety a certain way, perhaps as exhibited through tears or shyness, or seeking a lot of reassurance.  However, the more we learn about anxiety the more we are learning that this can show up in many unexpected ways.  Anxiety can look so different from child to child.  Many anxious  kids seek out to take control and this may manifest through avoidance or defiance.   While other anxious kids may try to over-plan their little world to gain more control.  Anxiety can also manifest as inattentiveness, when they're consumed with anxious thoughts it's hard for them to focus on what is in front of them.  There may also be difficulty sleeping, anger and negativity.  

'Anxiety occurs when there is an overestimation of a perceived threat (e.g., a test or a party) and an underestimation of coping skills (e.g.,”I can’t handle this.”). '

When kids underestimate their abilities to cope with a certain situation they may feel helpless which can lead to frustration/anger.  This may also be connected to what Brene Brown calls 'chandeliering', or when a seemingly calm child 'flies off the handle'.  An anxious child can look nice and calm to the outside observer but their wheels are churning on the inside.  I like to picture a duck on a pond, they look nice and calm from the top of the pond but underneath their feet are swimming rapidly.  I found this article so helpful and I hope you will too.  Please utilize the GoZen website as a great resource if you find yourself with an anxious child.  https://gozen.com/

'Flip Your Lid'- Explaining how your brain and emotions work to kids

 'Flip Your Lid' 

Using a hand model to help explain how emotions work in our brain.

In a recent professional meeting, I was encouraged to learn more about the 'flip your lid' hand model to incorporate into some of my counseling sessions with kids.  Dr. Dan Siegel who is a well known contributor to the field of child psychology coined the 'flip your lid' hand model to help explain how the brain works in a more accessible way.  Shown above is a child friendly resource inspired by Dr. Dan Siegel called Mineola Grows!  Mineola grows has several kid friendly videos helping to explain how our emotions work and the power of the amygdala and prefrontal cortex.  I have used this with a few kids in sessions and I think it really can help to empower kids and aide in their regulation.

Test Anxiety Strategies

 Test Anxiety Strategies

Here at Wheelock Elementary School, our third graders will be taking the MCAS testing next week.  

I thought I'd share some great strategies for any of our students who may get nervous.

Here are some helpful tips and hints:

1. Get a good night sleep

2. Eat a good breakfast

3. Create a personalized positive mantra for your child

- "I've got this!"

- "I am smart and I am prepared"

- "Everyone makes mistakes"

- "It's okay to take my best guess"

4. Help children to re-frame their nervous feelings:

If your child feels jittery or a bit sweaty, you can help re-frame this by telling them it's their bodies way of getting them excited for the challenge ahead.  Like an athlete getting nervous before a big game.

5. Make sure to myth bust: 

- Taking the MCAS has nothing to do with whether kids go to fourth grade or not

(some kids have this misconception for whatever reason)

- Also, remind kids that they can have all day if they need to, the MCAS are indeed untimed

6. Focus on the positives, most teachers do not give homework the week of MCAS

and there's usually extra recess.  

Also a little extra treat at home after their hard work never hurt anyone :)

Further resources/articles that inspired these strategies:

https://gozen.com/affirmations-to-bust-test-anxiety-rooted-in-science/

https://www.pbs.org/parents/thrive/six-ways-to-help-kids-tackle-test-anxiety

"I statements" and "I messages"

 "I statements" and "I messages"

Today I visited a third grade classroom to help students better advocate for themselves with social problems by teaching them about "I statements". 

"I statements" are one of the best conflict resolution strategies and widely used in almost any therapy setting.  I use the "I statement" strategy a lot in my small group counseling sessions and I was thrilled to be able to share this skill with a whole class.  The "I statements" are such a successful strategy because it's a way of communicating feelings effectively without causing the other individual to become defensive.  When people use "You statements" to get their point across, i.e. "You made me mad when you left me out"; the other person will often become defensive because they might feel blamed.  Therefore, the other person won't be able to listen as empathically when their defenses are up.  When a student says something like; "I felt upset when I was left out of the game", kids are better able to understand the other person's feelings without feeling blamed.  We also practiced using "I statements" by breaking into groups and role playing some problem solving scenarios.  The kids did a great job with this activity and I hope it helps them the next time they come across a social problem!

Book Spotlight 'Uniquely Wired' by Julia Cook

 

Today I had the pleasure of visiting a second grade classroom to read them a story titled 'Uniquely Wired', a beautifully written story about a young boy with Autism Spectrum Disorder.  Julia Cook is the author of this wonderful book and she has written a large variety of books to support social/emotional growth in children.  'Uniquely Wired' helps both children and adults better understand Autism.  The story is told from the perspective of a young boy Zak who explains how he responds to the world differently.  These differences are viewed as gifts that Zak gives others around him.  I truly believe knowledge is power and this class not only gained a better understanding of Autism Spectrum Disorder, they demonstrated even more acceptance and tolerance towards our students who may be viewed as different.